


Mystery Shopper

by DittyWrites



Series: Scarecrow/Riddler Shenanigans [15]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Arkham - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Humor, M/M, Shopping, Snark, Vague Threats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 23:50:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12715380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DittyWrites/pseuds/DittyWrites
Summary: A fateful encounter in a tailor shop leaves Jonathan with the vague impression that Edward may be seeing someone behind his back, However, in Gotham City, things are NEVER going to be that simple.





	Mystery Shopper

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure enjoyable shite whacked out at 300mph so i don't need to study for my exam tomorrow. Stay in school, kids.

Pulling the lapels of his jacket up around his neck to fight off the bitter wind which assaulted his body with incessant chill, Jonathan muttered angrily under his breath as he squinted up at the dying sun.

Winter had come to Gotham and its arrival had signalled the end of Jonathans' comfort for the time being. The city was notoriously cold, a fact which had left more than one meteorologist stumped as to a logical reason, but winter had appeared earlier than anticipated and caught him off guard. Given the choice, he would be holed up in his apartment at the moment having left the winds to batter against his windows instead of his sharp features but such a luxury had escaped him as he trudged down one of the more upmarket shopping districts within Gotham.

He had been nearing a breakthrough with his toxin, a way to disperse its contents within water with a much reduced rate of decay, but in order to finish his testing he needed Edward.

An Edward who was nowhere to be found.

A quick check of the apartment had revealed nothing and he could recall no scheduled events for the day so the whereabouts of his partner were a mystery to him. Unlike typical couples, they felt no childish need to keep constant tabs on the location of the other.

Selina, as always, had proven the source of valuable information. One quick phone call to her and he had been sent on his current path towards one of Edwards' preferred tailors with whom the genius was currently having a consultation.

Apparently.

His knowledge of Edwards' shopping habits was limited to one absolutely atrocious day out a few years previously where he had, admittedly, lost his temper after hours of being dragged in and out various establishments with an unrelenting pace.

And by 'lost his temper' he of course meant 'gassed the entire department store'.

It was unfortunate it but it happened.

Since that day he had never ventured on a 'shopping' experience with Edward again, outside of the usual grocery, chemical and weapon supply collections which they both had to attend. Edward never asked him to and he never offered but that did not stop Edward supplementing the great majority of his wardrobe on a regular basis.

Eyes narrowing at the monochrome _Mulgrew And Sons_ sign which hung atop the shop he was targeting, Jonathan exhaled as he pushed the door open with some force. The smell of fresh leather and fabric assaulted him and his nose crinkled as he slipped towards the till.

The teller, a portly older man, met him with a disarming smile.

“Good day, Sir! How may I help you?”

“Edward Nygma. Is he here?” Forgoing pleasantries, Jonathan was all business.

Although his expression never changed, a guarded look came into the tellers' eyes as he answered with a thoughtful,

“No. No one by that name here.”

Lying.

But Jonathan had to admire the customer loyalty.

“I do not have time for this,” Jonathan muttered as he spun in position and marched towards the wooden door which he understood separated the changing rooms from the main store, “be thankful that I am not looking for trouble.” He tossed over his thin shoulder.

As he yanked the door open its hinges screamed at the mistreatment and the noise was enough to make him wince as he stepped inside the main changing room and was immediately met with the figure whom he sought.

But he frowned at the sight.

Frozen in position, Edward looked like a rabbit caught in headlights as he was confronted by the sudden appearance of his partner. However, there was something in his shifting eyes which put Jonathans' senses on alert.

“Edward...” He drawled.

“Hello, Jonathan,” Edward answered immediately, slapping a grin onto his face as he broke from his stupor, “I was not expecting to see you here.”

“Clearly.”

Mens' clothing was strewn about the changing room and the small space looked like a hurricane had swept through it, dragging everything it could within its path. Pants. Shirts. Slacks. Everything had its own section of mess but as Jonathan observed it something seemed off about the situation and it took him a moment to place.

Edwards' clothing was immaculate.

Undisturbed.

Not the clothing of a man who had been furiously chopping and changing his attire.

Suspicious.

“Have you bought yourself anything?” He asked.

Surely there was a simple explanation for such an odd observation.

“No,” Edward shook his head before adding, “nothing yet as you can see I am still in the testing stage.”

Edwards' lips were still stretched in a cheshire grin and instead of providing comfort it created a feeling of unease in Jonathans' gut. This was the act of a guilty man and a whole host of possibilities flew through his head as he considered the options of what Edward could be trying to conceal from him.

Despite their criminal predilections, there was very little genuine deceit in their relationship. They had seen the worst in the other and, perhaps foolishly, stuck around until their bond was solid.

Healthy?

Well, that was debatable.

“Edward, what are you hid-”

Then he spotted them.

Outside of one of the two changing rooms, the only one which had the fabric sheet drawn across it to keep it closed, lay a pair of mens' shoes. Too large to belong to Edward and too cheap-looking to belong to the store and unlike every other pair of shoes in sight, these were obviously well-worn.

A quick glance at Edwards' feet confirmed that they were not his.

“Whose shoes are they?” The accusation was out before he could control himself.

Tone clipped, Jonathan allowed his gaze to spear Edward into place as he questioned him.

He trusted Edward, in terms of fidelity he truly did, but the fact that Edward was hosting secret meetings of such a personal manner- and he did consider it a persona manner since domestic shopping suggested a fond familiarity- with other individual was creating a sour feeling in his chest which he was loathe to describe as jealousy.

“Which shoes?” Edward answered and, as Jonathan pointed them out, continued to give a nervous laugh. “Oh them? They were already here before I even started. Riddle me this, I walk withou-”

“Edward!” Jonathan growled. “Who is in the changing room?”

“Jonathan, I swear tha-” Edward went to deny the accusation but was cut off by a grunt of displeasure.

“Fine!” Jonathan spat, unwilling to be complicit in this charade. Striding forward, he grasped the fabric divider and turned to his partner. “You cannot lie to me, Edward, for your sake I hope whatever is being here is wort-”

Pulling the fabric to the side, he was immediately confronted with...

Himself.

Hand falling from the divider in surprise, Jonathan was rendered momentarily speechless as he came face-to-face with his twin. Truly, it was his twin in every sense as even the fine lines which settled around his eyes were duplicated perfectly in his other self.

“Jonathan!” Edward piped up quickly, hands outstretch in peace. “I swear I can explain.”

As his head swivelled around to meet Edwards' again, Jonathan felt a twinge of annoyance pierce through the confusion as his twin made the exact same movement.

“You have,” he bit out as a mixture of surprise and anger swirled in his gut, “ten seconds.”

“Ten seconds.” His double echoed.

“Excuse my language, Basil, but do not be a prick about this.” Edwards' attention was focussed solely on the double. “I think we are both in enough potential trouble as is.” He snapped.

“Basil.”

Jonathan muttered under his breath, the name being familiar somehow.

Oh.

“BASIL!” He snarled. “Clayface!” He glared at his double for a moment before switching his glare to Edward. “EDWARD! Answers. Now.” Every word was punctuated with a growl.

A sound, vaguely similar to that of cement being sloshed around a mixer, broke the silence which fell after his demand and Jonathan gritted his teeth and he turned to face his double again.

His face was gone, now replaced with the human form of Basil Karlo, or at least the human form which he preferred when he was not in true Clayface form.

“Well this was fun but i'm out.” Basil announced, deceptively happy. “Nygma, thanks for the money as usual and Crane, no hard feelings, eh?”

Holding up his fingers up in a mock salute to the duo, Basil gave them a soft wink as he disappeared through the doorway back into the main store.

A smart man always knew to leave before the storm hit.

“Edward...” Jonathan prompted, withholding his anger until he had at least given the redhead a chance to explain himself.

“How did you think I always knew exactly which clothing to buy you?” Words exploding from him with gusto, Edward defended himself instantly. “Given your build and stature did you think that I just made lucky guesses? Even I am not that good.”

“So you made a body double to use as your own personal doll? To sneak about with during the days while I am hard at work. Work which I assumed you were also doing.”

“Basil and I have an arrangement,” Edward crossed his arms, unrepentant, “that twice a year, usually just before summer and winter hit, we meet and he assumes your form for an hour or two so that I can make the appropriate amount of purchases without the indignity of having to return items which do not fit.”

“Indignity!?” Incredulous, Jonathan could not believe the audacity. “So in order to retain your laziness and insatiable ego you wilfully use my body without my knowledge for your own personal gain?”

“Basil is very discrete. He never ventures outside these walls with your face, as handsome as it is.” Quipping, Edward tilted his head.

“Edward, I am in no joking mood.” Jonathan balled his fists. “This is an invasion of my privacy.”

“This arrangement is known to none outside of those involved, Basil is well-paid for his services and he knows that crossing me is not worth the hell it will create.”

“Services.” Jonathan sneered. “And what other services do you have him provide you? Do you have him talk to you in my voice? Touch you with my hands?”

Intelligent green eyes sharpened in rage at the accusation for a moment before a look of realisation dawned and all traces of rage were expunged.

“Jonathan, are you...jealous?”

“I am furious,” he corrected, “jealousy would imply that I care what you do.”

As Edward moved forward with only a hint of hesitation, Jonathan allowed Edward to place his hand on his chin and tilt his head so that they could share direct eye-contact.

“I never have, would never, do anything which would compromise your body or agency. Even if it is not 'technically' your body.” Edward confirmed, eyes narrowed with the levity of his words. “Basil only shifts into your form to make sure that items fit as they should. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“You hid this from me.” Unwilling to give up so easily despite the soothing words which he could detect no lies in, Jonathan scowled. “For the last two years.”

“It was only supposed to be a temporary fix but if it makes you uncomfortable then I will cancel the arrangement.” Edward offered, stroking one well-manicured finger across Jonathans' jaw as he placated him. “Hiring Basil to impersonate you was an easier option to me than changing your mind. That stubborn streak in you is incorrigible, dear.”

Unable to deny the truth of that, Jonathan nodded imperceptibly and Edward smiled as he felt the tension leave his body.

Willing to accept Edwards' explanation for what it was and making a very conceited effort to bite back any further comments, Jonathan relaxed his stance. Edward should have known better than to do something so foolish without first consulting him but he knew the other man well enough to know that no offence or intrusion was intended.

“Besides,” Edward continued, “how could Basil possibly know what you are packing in the lower department? Generally speaking, and I apologise in advance for the mental image, I always assumed that he just held the genital form of a GI Joe while impersonating other humans. I doubt he puts his limited cerebral power into creating faux-genitalia.”

Unhappy with the thought, Jonathan snatched up a nearby shirt and held it against his torso.

It fit perfectly.

Further unhappy to see exactly how well Edwards' solution to his wardrobe troubles actually worked, Jonathan folded the shirt over his arm a little more forcefully than necessary.

“Buy what you have to buy so we can leave.”

Nodding in agreement, Edward flitted about the small room as he selected the garments which he wanted to purchase.

“Should I decide to ever kill you,” Edward offered in a light tone, “I might even hire Basil to impersonate you for a short time to throw suspicion off me as I empty our joint accounts and flee the country.”

“Hilarious, Edward,” Jonathan rolled his eyes, “truly funny. You missed your vocation in life as a comedian.”

Laughing anyway, Edward was pleased to have survived this encounter with little more than a mild talking to and he could not deny the small voice in his head was telling him that Jonathans' jealousy just might mean that he will find himself having to cancel Basil the next time he wanted to make some purchases.

Jonathan did not handle emotion well, particularly jealousy.

Besides, the real thing was always guaranteed to be better.

Arms laden with clothing, Edward indicated the door for Jonathan to open so that he could settle up his account with his favourite tailor.

“Not to dwell on a subject,” tone coloured with mischief, Edward could not suppress his smirk as he spoke, “but do you think that Clayfaces' malleable body could result in him altering his genitalia so that it comes ribbed for his partners pleasu-”

“Leaving.” Placing a hand on Edwards' shoulder before he could finish his sentence, Jonathan shoved him roughly through the doorway and towards the teller. “We are leaving now.”

Some things should never be considered.

 


End file.
